My friends, they love my intelligence
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
