im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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