Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
