dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
