last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
