Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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