Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
