she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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