I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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