I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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