nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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