She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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