It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
