I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
