Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I DEMAND FORESKIN
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
