i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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