I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
