my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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