I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
