wanna go halves on a baby?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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