Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
