Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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