I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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