There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
