So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
