the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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