My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
