She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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