What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
