I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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