Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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