my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
