I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
