Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
