you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
