when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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