the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I know her cup size but not her name....
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