Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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