im about as happy as oj after his trial
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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