the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
