I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
