i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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