At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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