Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
