I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
