Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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