My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
