you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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