Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
