i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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