While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
